|
Home::Coaching
Anger: To Control or To Learn
Author : Margaret Paul, Ph. D.
Many of us will do anything to avoid anotherÂ’s anger, yet may be quick to anger ourselves. Many of us dread anotherÂ’s anger yet continue to use our own anger as a way to control others.
LetÂ’s take a deeper look at what generates our anger and how we can learn from it rather than be at the mercy of it.
The feeling anger can come from two different places within us. Anger that comes from an adult, rational place can be called outrage. Outrage is the feeling we have when confronted with injustice. Outrage mobilizes us to take appropriate action when harm is being done to ourselves, others, and the planet. Outrage is a positive emotion in that it moves us to action – to stop crime and violence, clean up the environment, and so on. Outrage comes from a principled place within, a place of integrity, caring and compassion.
Anger can also come from a fearful adolescent place within – from the part of us that fears being wrong, rejected, abandoned, or controlled by others, and feels intensely frustrated in the face of these feelings. This part of us fears failure, embarrassment, humiliation, disrespect, and helplessness over others and outcomes. When these fearful feelings are activated, this adolescent part, not wanting to feel helpless, may move into attacking or blaming anger as a way to attempt to control a person or a situation. Blaming anger is always indicative of some way we are not taking care of ourselves, not taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs. Instead of taking care of ourselves, we blame another for our feelings in an attempt to intimidate another to change so that we will feel safe.
Blaming anger creates many problems in relationships. No one likes to be blamed for anotherÂ’s feelings. No one wants to be intimidated into taking responsibility for anotherÂ’s needs. Blaming anger may generate blaming anger or resistance in the other person, which results in a power struggle. Or, the person at the other end of blaming anger may give in, doing what the angry person wants, but there is always a consequence in the relationship. The compliant person may learn to dislike and fear the angry person and find ways to passively resist or to disengage from the relationship.
When blaming anger comes up, the healthy option is neither to dump it on another in an attempt to control them, nor to squash and repress it. The healthy option is to learn from it.
Our anger at another person or situation has much to teach us regarding personal responsibility for our own feelings and needs. As part of the Inner Bonding process that we teach (see our free course at www.innerbonding.com), we offer a three-part anger process that moves you out of feeling like a frustrated victim and into a sense of personal power.
The Anger Process
The Anger Process is a powerful way to release anger, as well as to learn from the source of the anger.
Releasing your anger will work only when your intent in releasing it is to learn about what you are doing that is causing your angry feelings. If you just want to use your anger to blame, control and justify your position, you will stay stuck in your anger. This three-part anger process moves you out of the victim-mode and into open-heartedness.
1. Imagine that the person you are angry at is sitting in front of you. Let your angry wounded child or adolescent self yell at him or her, saying in detail everything you wish you could actually say. Unleash your anger, pain and resentment until you have nothing more to say. You can scream and cry, pound a pillow, roll up a towel and beat the bed. (The reason you don't tell the person directly is because this kind of cathartic, no-holds-barred "anger dump" would be abusive to them.)
2. Now ask yourself who this person reminds you of in your past - your mother or father, a grandparent, a sibling? (It may be the same person. That is, you may be mad at your father now, and he is acting just like he did when you were little.) Now let your wounded self yell at the person from the past as thoroughly and energetically as in part one.
3. Finally, come back into the present and let your angry wounded self do the same thing with you expressing your anger, pain and resentment toward your adult self for your part in the situation or for treating yourself the way the people in parts one and two treated you. This brings the problem home to personal responsibility, opening the door to exploring your own behavior.
By doing the anger process instead of trying to control others with your anger, you de-escalate your frustration while learning about the real issue – how you are not taking care of yourself in the face of whatever another is doing or in the face of a difficult situation.
Whenever anger comes up, you always have the choice to control or to learn.
Article Source: http://www.articledashboard.com
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
margaret@innerbonding.com
Related articles
|
More related feeds |
Anger:+To+Control+or+To+Learnhttp://blogsearch.google.com/blogsearch_feeds?hl=en&q=Anger:+To+Control+or+To+Learn&ui=blg&ie=utf-8&num=10&output=rssHow Much Do You Know About anger Management?
When you learn how to control your anger, you reduce your chances of getting a stroke or a heart attack. Hypertension is often a by product of uncontrolled anger. For a healthy and long life, try and control your anger. ...Do You Know Enough About Anger Management?
Anger unrestrained can lead to a host of health problems because of the strain it puts on the body. You should learn how to control anger for the sake of your health because you owe it to yourself to be healthy all the time. ... The Greatest Reason In The World For Anger Management Tools
Adopting a religious perspective can help you control your anger. Regardless of the religion, all of them preach self control and anger management in one way or the other. For example, Christians believe that it’s a sin to unable to ... CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS: Illness of the Mind
CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS. Learn What Is Emotions. Learn How To Control Your Emotions. Learn From Expert How To Control Your Emotions. Choose A Healthy Lifestyle. Tuesday, December 02, 2008. Illness of the Mind. Illness of the Mind ... Anger Management in 7 Days
Recognizing anger signals coursing through your body on time can help you control it. Tell you the truth, it’s much better to control your anger than allow it control you. As you can see, it’s all about control. ... The Biggest Blunder That 90% Of People Make With Anger Management
Anger that is unrestrained leads to a rise in blood pressure. When you get angry all the time, you only do yourself more harm and induce hypertension because of the constant spike up in your blood pressure. So, control and management of ... TECH VYOM: Strategies to Control Anger
Strategies to Control Anger. Posted by Sumit Labels: Weird News. How to control the adrenaline burst in your veins that cause much harm both physically, emotionally and makes you complete stupid.I want to share a silly and foolish ... How do i control my temper? | Temper Control
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:13 am. Take an anger management course. References :. Mark S Says: December 3rd, 2008 at 2:51 am. Stop being so judgmental and learn to like yourself. Don;t be selfish because anger is a selfish trait. ... How to Manage Your Anger Before You Blow Your Blood Vessels
Anger ups your blood pressure levels. You can actually suffer a stroke if you persist in getting angry all the time. If you won’t control your anger for the sake of the people around you, at least control it for the sake of your health. ... losing control... - I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS ANGRY!
anna, i may not know everything but with what i read, i could feel the anger that you are feeling now. I won't tell you to calm down because i think what that person did was really wrong and that he/she ought to realize that he/she has ...
|
|
|
